Oct 152009
 

This is an oldie but goodie from my archives; it also got featured on Revelife.com to general hilarity. It’s been on my mind again as I’m trying to decide what to put on the cover of my forthcoming CD. I can assure you, it won’t be anything like these….

As long as we’re on the subject of music, I think it’s time to inflict this on the public.

It all began when those merrily irreverent folks at shipoffools.com posted a collection of their picks for the ten worst Christian album covers of all time.  Wouldn’t you know, I just had to go and look on Google to see what else was out there.  Turns out there are whole websites (like this one and this one) that are dedicated to collecting these spiritual treasures of a fortunately bygone era.  They swear up and down that they’re all real, authentic, and un-Photoshopped.  I believe it.  You couldn’t make this stuff up.

I couldn’t resist choosing my own picks for the Top 15 (in no particular order), with some inspirational reflections:

*   *   *

1_Satan_is_real

You sure?  ‘Cause he looks kind of like a cardboard cutout to me.

(On the plus side, they look very happy to be in hell.)

2_Kings_Three

One of these things just doesn’t belong.

3_Reverend_In_Rhythm

Interestingly, the first debate about “worship style” can be dated to the Sunday after this record was released.

4_Killer

I’m dying to hear this one.

(Sorry.  Somebody had to say it.)

5-Choo-Choo

I defy you to speak this album title without laughing out loud.  Actually, I defy you to say it without collapsing out of your chair and rolling around on the floor gasping for air and screaming in hysterics.

6_Teenage_Girl

“First confession: I’m really a middle-aged man.  Second… hey, where’d everybody go?”

7_If_I_Were_A_Woman

“…I would probably look like this.  So thank you, God.”

8_Amen_Dummy

It’s not that I don’t like your boyfriend, Bev; it’s just that I think he has, you know, kind of a wooden personality.

9_Resurrection

Good news: We’re going to live forever!  Bad news: Our hair is going to look like giant metal macaroni.

10_Thermals

The witness, identified only as “Mr. J.,” spoke on condition of anonymity.

11_God's_Style

Nah, I never really got into that electric folk-rock stuff.  I prefer Brahms’ style, myself.

12_Church_Drunk

Aaaaaaay-men!

Wait, what?

What?!?

13_Aerobics

Next time someone tells you that we need to make a Christian version of a popular trend, you’ll remember this, won’t you?

14_Toy_Piano

They’re playing toy pianos?  I thought that was in Purgatory.

15_I_Eat_Kids

“Timmy, if you don’t start behaving, I’ll make you listen to that record again!”

*    *    *

The moral of this story is…. is…. I can’t really think of a good moral to this story. How about, “You never look sillier than when you think you’re really cool”?

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  • http://www.megmoseley.wordpress.com Meg Moseley

    Better than Cakewrecks. Thanks for the laugh, Eric.

    • http://www.ericpazdziora.com Eric

      You’re welcome! I have some more I may have to pull out soon.

      • http://www.megmoseley.wordpress.com Meg Moseley

        Oh, please do.

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  • MK

    Despite the artwork and the title, the Thermals album is not remotely “christian”.

    • http://www.ericpazdziora.com Eric

      Heh, my bad. In fairness, I haven’t actually listened to any of these albums.

  • kisekileia

    Obviously the Crawford Family used their church directory photo. It’s unmistakeable.

    Also, one of my cousins (a pastor’s kid, possibly not coincidentally) had her hair like Isabel Baker. However, this was in the ’80s, when she was a kid. She ditched the bangs and permed it when she was around 12 or 13 (1989-90).

  • Jammin Jeffin

    Trying to come up with an album cover concept for my old Christian songs and how am I supposed to avoid this craziness? Time to get off the internet and eat a sandwich, lol.